Japanese Toilets are hella amazing

I love Japanese Toilets. Really, I do. 

The first time you go into a Japanese toilet, you will be stupefied. The first time I finished doing my business, I turned to face it, befuddled by all the buttons. And after three minutes of being unable to figure it out, I said out loud (and to myself!!! I swear!) "I just want to flush..."

And I am not kidding you, it flushed. On cue. 

(Japanese toilets are the first step to artificial intelligence).

After a few dozen stops in the bathrooms (those things are fabulous. Consider it a Modern Museum of Art), you end up figuring the buttons. There's the normal flush button, but let's be honest. That thing can tell when you're done and will flush it for you, you're welcome. And then depending on what you want, you can wash your butt or your hoohah!!! It goes beyond a bidet!!! And you can determine if you want it soft or hard based on this uncomplicated degree of o o o o o (soft to the left, hard to the right. You probably don't want to injure yourself in some pretty private places so the second to the left or middle button should do you nicely.

And then there's what I consider the embarrassment buttons. Have you ever gone into a cubicle with someone you know and you're talking to them and then you start peeing and the sound of it is so loud, you're thinking "dear God, I hope they don't think I have a problem." The Japanese people have solved this for you. You can "mask" your tinkling sounds with the sounds of actual delightful music. Again, you're welcome.

And because, you know, number 2 smells, you can again mask real nature with a press of the deodorizer button. Thank you again, Japanese people. 

There's also another wonderful thing about these toilets. After one too many bathroom spots, Francois finally said "bathroom again?!" when I excused myself. Look, okay?? We arrived in Tokyo at the cusp of winter ripening into spring, which as beautiful as my written word is, really just means rainy, freezing cold. 

My secret? I was escaping into the toilets because those seats are heated. HEATED. Not only are you comfy cozy on the porcelain throne, you're WARM. Sometimes, you just need to sit on those things to warm the heck up! I will also admit to not even needing to use it but hovering my frozen hands over the toilet seat (not touching the seat!!! Mind you, that is gross and I have limits) but just trying to use it as a fireplace.

Oh, Japanese toilet. I miss you.